My Hands Hold my Heart

First, this may not be news to anyone else, but I am reasonably certain that Mumford and Sons could be the most gorgeous music to ever exist. You basically can't do anything but listen, for real. amazing.
On that same note - pun not intended so much as unavoidable - I'm been doing plenty of writing myself and first, let me note this: if you are a grammar fiend and happen to adore reading mangled manuscripts written in a frenzy, let me know. Still trying to redeem the historical novel, because I really think it has promise if it can recover from my merciless infliction of periods.
That wasn't my point though:
What I really wanted to post was just a little piece of a larger poem I wrote. I can't show you the whole thing because I think I might want to try and get it published, maybe - it's significantly different than things I've written before, and I can't for the life of me come up with a title for it, but here it is in it's minimal glory, and hopefully it shares just a bit of life and love and glory with you.
We need just a bit of those things to carry with us every day.

"I wait for you in my dreams

on the street corners, in the wishing well and

I wait and I dream and I wish of you,

only you, and I wait,

I wait,

I wait only for you because

when we meet we’ll be always, forever,

together, and somewhere in this world we

will find peace and

the kind of love that moves the mountains and

shakes the oceans deep beneath their waves for

the fullness of the glory and beauty and wonder

contained in a tiny mustard seed."

Think on these things. There's glory and beauty and wonder all around us, friends. As long as we have eyes to see.

Listens like Spring

This is just a quick note on a few things, as most of my notes are. I've actually written innumerable very witty, intelligent, lovely blog posts, only I never get them up on here.

So far, though, I'd like to say that, first of all, I'm on new meds, and allow me to say this: friends, I be trippin'. For real, I find myself typing things that should never have been, wanting to drop off to sleep, uncertain of what has happened - oh it's bad guys. It's bad.

On a happier note, they have stopped the spasms as long as I take them at the right times.

Another note: Pandora is the best thing to ever happen to me. I found the most wonderful music on there - although I can tell you that trying to write my paper that I don't want to write anyways is not being made easier by listening to Landon Pigg's "Falling in Love At A Coffee Shop" and Joshua Radin's "I'd Rather Be With You" - trust me, all I want to do at the moment is fall into a lovely daydream of finally meeting my man o' dreams and loving him so much it terrifies me. Someday, folks. Maybe, someday.

Last note: I've started doing some querying! I sent a short story off to a magazine a few days ago, and I queried an agent about my historical fiction novel - though that received a reject in less than twenty-four hours. Depressing, yes, but I shall continue.

It's alot, and I find it more depending on my health on a given day: work, school,writing. But life is short guys - and there's lovely music, mulled cider candles, tossed together apple desserts and dreams that tomorrow might contain any number of wonderful things.
Life is a wild and wonderful thing, don't you think?

The Impressive Juxtaposition of Beauty and Anger

Last week was - indescribable. I felt like at least fifteen different people, all warring together to decide what exactly was going on.
On Tuesday I went to Starbucks with a friend from church to study. I had my second pumpkin latte of the season, which was all joy and delight. Did you know if you stay late you can get a free cake pop while they're cleaning up for the night? Salted Carmel - oh yum!
On Friday, I got yelled at. The entire week had been an utter work disaster, all revolving around one particular client going into a mental health institute and absolutely nobody in the universe wanting to take on responsibility for the client. On Friday, the client's guardian got ahold of me. Suffice to say, she does not like me. At all.
On Saturday, my friend from work took me to school, since it was football Saturday and there would be nowhere to park. I hate football Saturdays - I'm paying a bazillion dollars to go there, why can't I park  regardless of a bunch of men running around throwing a ball at each other?!
My mother had read my paper for me, and sent me an updated copy - only when I went to print it, there was no attatchment. In the scramble to take care of that, I had no coffee or breakfast and only just made it out the door to be picked up.
I climbed in the car and my friend said, oh hey we went to the bakery on the way, would you like a doughnut? Oh and I bought you a cup of coffee.
I felt the smile of the Lord on me in that moment. I almost melted.
After school we went to Panera for lunch, and then to Target. It was a perfect day.
On Monday, my body developed a new symptom of my as-yet-undiagnosed disease, and began cramping in on itself quite severely, particularly my right arm. I spent the day in pain, and not able to do my job the way I would have liked. Same thing Tuesday.
However, Tuesday I went and got my hair all fixed up - trimmed, and for the first time ever, highlighted. Copper. The lady who did it shampooed my hair and spent probably ten minutes doing so, massaging all over and down into my neck muscles, in knots from the spasms. You guys, I thought I had turned to liquid.
Today I missed my dentist appointment entirely, thinking it was 9:40 instead of 9:20. I can barely look the lady behind the desk in the eye, and I had to reschedule which is just a pain.
Then I went to the eye doctor and they said the chemical interaction between my contacts and lens solution has damaged my eyes - I didn't even notice - and I have to wear glasses for a week and take antibiotic eye drops three times a day, then go back AGAIN for a prescription for new contacts.
There are some days that would have been better not being, in my humble opinion.
However, today I got to pretend I was a famous author, spending daytime hours tapping away at my novel and making the first substantial progress in two weeks. And, my mom and sister are coming for the weekend.

Strange, isn't it, how life so often brings us rather more than we can comprehend, things one after another and the good and bad mingled so closely together that we cannot celebrate without a tinge of pain, cannot mourn without an infusion of delight. I'm not entirely sure which way is up, today is one of those days where so much happens and has happened that the heart just weeps for confusion. But even in the weeping, I am aware of the glorious cool breeze and the charm of my flowers, and a peace that passes understanding. I guess that's what it is to be alive.

Revival, Maybe

The time may have come for revival. There are no guarantees, because I've thought that before and never come to anything. But there's so much going to be doing and happening around here that I think I could really use the connection to you lovely people to keep me going some days.

Here's a summary of what has and is happened and happening:
1) I am going to grad school - I start in just two weeks! Horrors. I have signed my life away, I will spend every single Saturday morning in class - well almost - for the next two years. I still don't know how I got into this.
2) Something is messed up in my brain. I've been having muscle spasms and severe tremors for almost two months now, and believe me, it's getting old. I had an MRI Monday, and should find out next week what's up.
3) I still work, and will continue to work, full time. I also should really start getting some volunteer hours in with children to start building my resume. I'm thinking Boys and Girls Club but I don't know yet. I'd really like to start a writing group for kids at the local library.
4) I have started to really write again. I've written approximately seven short stories in the last two months, and started two new novels. One I'm proud of, the other I'm not sure of yet. But that's a post for another day.

Anyways, the start of so many new things seems like a good time to start blogging again. We'll see how I do, but at least you know  I thought of you :)

13 Mysteries a Month

so, am I still a blogger if I apparently only post about once a month? I'm not so very sure.

Nevertheless, it's time for the monthly update I guess, in no order whatsoever including chronological:

Here's what's new from the last month that I can think of at the moment

1) I performed in 13 shows total. My picture was in the local paper :)
2)My sister was Beauty in Beauty and the Beast, and my heart melted into a pool at my feet watching her float across the stage, skirts swinging, in a waltz with a young man she cares deeply about. I suddenly had visions of future family gatherings that include men instead of all us yammering females, and couldn't help but picture the moment in a Someday Faraway that I might hold a little niece or nephew, or live next to a sister and raise my kids and hers together, or have family barbeques. I got goosebumps when she sang. I'm such a mess - how am I going to get through her graduation next month?!
3) My plumbing stopped working properly, so I had a giant hold in my front closet for several weeks. That was great.
4) I vacuumed. Twice. Notice how this implies that within the space of a month I cleaned at least twice. Be impressed.
5) I temporarily had a caseload of approximately 50. That is also why I averaged 90 hours a pay period this month - including one in which I had three days off.
6) I  got my car fixed - 1200 dollars. Then, two days later, my check engine light came on. I am probably going to put a sticker over it and keep going.
7)I lost five pounds, making a total of 15. I fit into pants I hadn't worn for two years - and now all my dress pants sag something fierce. I've been wearing lots of dresses.
8) I burned an entire pan of sugar cookie dough. The prepackaged kind.
9)I read five books that I can think of off the top of my head.
10) I wrote a skit that my pastor wants to use in a church service.
11)The Walmart cashier that checked out my groceries said she wanted some of "whatever I was on."  I spent the rest of the night vacillating between deep offense and dripping pity.
12) I started watching Once Upon a Time. And then promptly forgot to watch it three weeks in a row and became hopelessly lost.
13) I bought two new cds and have been playing them over and over again in raptures.

Well, hopefully that will tide you over until next time, whenever that may be. There were many more things that happened of course, but I like odd numbers, particularly 13, so that's the end of my list.

What have you all been up to?

Advice needed

Well friends, I am now the veteran of 8 shows, with another 5 shows coming up these next two weekends. I will also be hosting my mother for almost a week, followed by a Lia Sophia party being held in my 'umble little 'ome.  so all in all, I do believe it will be what you might call a very busy stretch of time. Not to mention there are already rumblings afoot about the spring show.
Yay!
Anyways, here's the thing - I need a little help from y 'all. Here's some of what I need:

1) I need to know your best tips for filling empty corners. I don't want it to be too crowded in here, but there's an empty corner in my bedroom, and an empty corner in my living room and they look very sad and forlorn indeed.

2) I need tips on creating collage walls - I've seen it done all over the internet and I have the perfect place to start one, but I need some guidance on balancing sizes and colors, and developing a theme.

3) I need some new movies to watch and books to read - I am bored to death with all of mine!

4) And finally, my little computer here has begun to drop dark hints that the end may be nigh - I have it on life support, but I strongly suspect a replacement will be needed sooner than later. Thoughts on brand, things to look for, considerations, etc??

5) Well, correction, this is the final thing: if you know any magical tip for forcing oneself to accomplish more in the average day, I would appreciate your sharing them - for instance, how can one force oneself from one's lovely nest on the couch to fold laundry and clean the kitchen, or perhaps drag ones eyes away from episode 200 of some show and focus them on editing a novel?

And that is that. Advise away friends - whichever problem you want to tackle, I'll be eternally grateful. 

And now for something much much different

Well - welcome back to me. didn't realize it had been so long - again.
You see, the trouble is all with the theatre.
When one works full time, and rehearses 6-12 hours a week on top of that, there really isn't all that many more hours in the day, and many things fall by the wayside - you know, things...like eating, sleeping, showering regularly, doing laundry EVER, putting shoes back in the closet, or in general doing any kind of tidying.

It's been blessed.

You know, I forgot how much I love the theatre. I love the chance to be someone different, to slip into another skin. I love how acting requires everything - to do it well you have to be fully engaged: listening, speaking, moving, breathing, walking, reacting; everything takes place in the moment and everything revolves around the tiny world created there on the stage. I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it seemed like a great way to meet people. Which it was - only then, people got this strange idea that I was actually going to get up in front of EVERYONE and do it up there.
Yikes.
Forgot about that part.

But I made it through. It's been an increeeeeeedible experience, and drawn me ever closer to God as my total weakness makes it possible for His power to be made clear. And I have been loving it!

Tonight is the first night I've been without a rehearsal or performance in weeks.
It's weird.
I watched tv online. I ate some junk food.
It was really kinda boring.
It's going to be weird adjusting to the gap.
to real life.
I think it's going to be really, really hard to not have the play anymore.
True story.

But you know what - I'm not going to think about that. Not tonight. Tonight is for lazing around. And maybe doing some cleaning. And for getting ready - because I've got another four performances this weekend, and I am so excited: not for the waiting, where I feel like death and puking violently, but for the rush of it happening, and the content of the ending.  I'm ready for it. Live in the moment. Love where I'm at.

Resolved

I'm doing resolutions this year - are you? Only, like many folks out here in the blogging universe, I'm making them broad: lifestyle more than specific actions.
Mostly they focus around rounding out - getting brave, doing things I wouldn't usually do, trying new things, being faithful in the old things, working hard, giving all I've got, and finding things to love in the world around me.
I started yesterday.
I was pretty sad with the holidays ending and that loneliness that comes with being far from many loved ones. But, where I might usually have sacked out in front of my tv and let some nonexistent world numb me up, I engaged - I tore apart my closet and put it back together, I paid bills, I organized, I cleaned.
Today I haven't done as well - but I had a slimfast for breakfast, and I am about to run a load of laundry, bake some brownies, and lift weights.
I want to live purposefully, not just let life carry on around me.
What are you resolved to?

Longing

What do you think fulfillment looks and sounds like? Do you think we ever find completeness and contentment in this life, in this world?
I love my job, I really can say that and I am lucky to be able to. But it doesn't feel like the end.
I used to want to go overseas and do relief work, or to get involved in the big issues: human trafficking, immigration, clean water, etc. I still do. And I still don't: because at heart I am a homebody.
I love words and language: I want to become a writer. I want to sit and let the words pour out of me, and to make the world better with my writing, even if that just means writing a story that both lets someone learn something about themselves and gives them a place to escape. I want to study language, to know things about books and about language far beyond what I know now.
Lately, I've been craving the study of something concrete. I exist in a world of questions and shadows: human services is a land of no right answers. Language is a tenuous and changing thing. I have been wanting, actually deeply desiring, to study science and mathematics, things I used to loathe. I want to dive into something finite, something which contains yes and no, this but not that, something that abides by rules and reason. And yet, I know that the deeper I delve into something of rules and reason the more I will find places where even those rules no longer hold together.
Not to mention that, while fascinated by science and math, I've never been particularly good at either.
I want to travel the world. I want to see new things. I want to pour myself out.
I want to stay where it is safe. I want to surround myself with a small circle of those I intimately love. I want to embrace small moments.
This is what I think Ecclesiastes speaks to: that's why I love that book so much, why I read it beginning to end every couple of months.
If you're like me, you get caught up sometimes in the what ifs and imaginings, and the sheer possibilities make you feel lost in the abyss of a pattern you do not know the start or finish of. You feel as though you wander around blindly, hoping your steps are right, always wondering deep down if there's something more.
I can tell you from one who wanders just as you do: there is a time to cease questioning. There is a time to accept.
I know - we've always lived hearing don't accept, don't settle, don't be content. While we must each try our best, and refuse to accept mediocrity in ourselves, acceptance is at times what life is all about. To know you are doing a good thing - perhaps not the perfect thing, or the very best thing, but a good thing: such knowledge can be a precious gift, if you are content with it. There is no perfect answer - there is no one right path. There is no such thing as a place you cannot return from. Be happy with the place you are in. It is one of many good places.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3

Gathering

Hello friends! How's things? I decided to sum up life in general in a list, with letters rather than numbers just to shake things up. If you make it through all the way at the end there's a something at the end I need your help with...

a) I finished/won nano!! so exciting :)
b) Work is, I hesitate to say aloud, going pretty well. I feel like I sorta kinda maybe a little bit am getting the knack of it
c) I have failed to eat proper dinner three nights in a row. Suffice it to say that's going in my New Years goals it's gotten so bad.
d) p.s. soon I'll be coming out with a New Years Challenge - plan ahead, you know you'll want in on it!
e) I'm going to bake. Tonight. because I am quite desperate for some sweets! Any spectacular recipe suggestions?
f) I'm going to be doing community theatre - 98% certain. Half of me thinks it will be amazing, and the other half thinks it's one of the stupidest ideas I've ever had!
g) Here's the one I need help with: I've decided to enter some short story competitions, even though I'm usually novel-length verbose. The problem is, as always, ideas: I'm taking nominations for stories you wish would come into existence. Ideas, anyone??

Celebrate and Create

I for one had a marvelously wonderful Thanksgiving. You folks??
It was so wonderful in fact, that I crashed well before ten last night and slept straight on till morning. Thank you very much.
Two notes:
1) My lights are up! and my tree is decorated and my apartment is altogether quite cozy.
2) I behind on my word count for Nano for the first time all month - I haven't touched it since before Thanksgiving. Time to catch up? I'd say so. If only writer's block had not chosen this exact instant to set in. Thoughts? ideas? inspirations? Do help.

do you hear what I hear?

Today did not start out particularly well. I woke up at 6:30, looked at the clock, and thought blissfully to myself - my, how lovely it's Saturday and I can sleep until 7:30 so I am ready to go by 9:00 a.m. What a good morning. The next thing that came into my head was, Why is it so light out? I rolled over and looked at the clock again, and found the display reading 9:15. My hand immediately flew to my curlers and my mind to the issue of the people I was supposed to meet at 9:00, none of whose numbers were in my possession. Problem. I dashed around pulled on jeans and yanking curlers out left and right. Fool things didn't want to come out either! I was hiding in my apartment, pulling myself together, when a knock came at the door. I figured, half-dressed, it was not ideal to answer it and I woulds simply wait until they went away and then apologize on Monday. No such luck. They knocked again and again while I threw curlers madly and tried to find a clean shirt that didn't clash too hideously with my pants. Finally my phone rang, and on the second call I answered it.
So. embarassing. I am ashamed to admit that I did not talk them out of their assumption that I am a deep sleeper. I just went along with it - it was better than admitting that I couldn't answer the door because I had curlers in my hair and my pajamas on.
Anyways, long story short, they waited for me, so we all went to a craft fair where I found a gift for my sister's birthday and a lovely little wreath thing that is sooo cute and is hanging joyously in my living room now.
I also gave in, today, and listened to Christmas music. I've been resisting, stubbornly making myself wait, but I just was not strong enough anymore.
I also watched Elf, made chicken hotdish, and threw together a pumpkin dip to bring to my parents' for Thanksgiving. I had too much pumpkin and not enough cream cheese, so I added a bunch of cool whip - I think it turned out alright!
Tonight though - well let me just say, I fully intend on being asleep by 10:00. I will NOT sleep through another alarm. Tomorrow at least.

Some days...

There are some days that I suspect I am not old enough for my job and ought to run back to school and simple things for about ten years.
Then there are days like today when I know it!

A Month-ish-ly Summary

Well friends - I guess it's time to get all caught up. However, so many things have been happening and I am so exhausted at this point that this may be the most haphazard, twisted, non comprehensible piece of writing known to man. Prepare yourselves.

Part One: How I Know It's NaNoWriMo Season

1) I have stopped using conjunctions and hyphenated words. This adds to one's word count and is therefore essential to the ability to make it through the month.
2) I sit in my apartment and laugh maniacally sometimes - the result of reading the NaNoisms thread, where people post the misspellings and other unfortunate creations resulting from the mad dash to 50,000 words.
3) My dishes have been stacking up since the beginning. Namely, every. single. coffee. mug. I. own. is. dirty. It is VERY exasperating.
4) I have started to be able to block out portions of my day again. This used to happen in college when I existed on five to six hours of sleep and would sometimes come alert at some point knowing I went places and did things, but not quite certain how they occurred.
5) I've started making up words.
6) I use multiple adjectives to describe the most mundane things - the puppy's eyes were big brown pleading and sweet. Which they may have been, but I know for a fact there are less verbose ways to say it!

Part Two: The Return of the Old Me

I don't know if it was just the newness of everything here, but for some time I was doing pretty well - I was looking responsible to other people, I was carrying on in a more or less socially appropriate manner, and things were trucking along decently, if somewhat boringly (see made up words from part one). This has ended. The honeymoon is over, as they say, and my true self is showing it's inappropriate, stumbling, blushing self again.
Allow me to run over a few highlights:
Last week, I had to get an oil change. I brought a friend with me, and we went to Walmart so I could shop at the same time. Dropping the car off was no big deal. However, picking it up - well let's just say that they need to label their doors much more accurately. Basically there was this whole ordeal where we attempted to force a loaded shopping cart through a single-person door marked customer, then not knowing where to go since it led into the shop itself, we went out a side door, only to find ourselves on the opposite end of the shop from the car. So, in full view of no less than three laughing mechanics and possibly a customer, we proceeded to march around the entire building, still pushing a rattling shopping cart overloaded with plastic bags, and reach the car, where we then had to unload all the bags in front of the still-staring and snickering mechanics, then make our escape home.
At work on Thursday, I tripped. On the plain old carpet. In the middle of the giant, wall-length, floor to ceiling windows. Right at the front of our office. Three different times.
Coming home from work Friday night, I tried to open my front door using the beeper for my car. Because if it says unlock, it should unlock, right?
This morning, getting ready for church after a very late night of writing and then that random extra hour of sleep, I tried to use not mousse, but contact solution on my hair. May I point out that this is only November 6? As I tried to explain to my friend after the Oil Change Incident, these things just happen to me. I don't know why.

Part Three: Hearing Things

No, sarcastic person in the back, I heard you, and I am not manifesting my latent insanity. However, I have started an interesting assortment of quotes lately - it must be because I'm writing again, I'm always more attuned to the world then. Because this post is already far too long, I'll just share two of them with you, and then I'll be off.

1) My father, of course:
"Well a rolling stone gathers no moss - and that's Spanish. No más."

2) (Overheard at church)
Pastor: "We brag about many of the blessings God gives us, when they're beyond our control. We even brag about pointless things: My house is bigger than your house. My girlfriend is cuter than your girlfriend."
-Everybody starts laughing-
Pastor: "What? Haven't any of you done that?"
Husband down the row - leans to his wife -: "Is my girlfriend prettier than your girlfriend?"
Wife - backhands husband in the chest, then stage whispers: "I wouldn't know, I've never met her." -Then starts laughing crazily at her own self -

And that, my friends, if life lately.

On Hearing a Story

When you like to write, you sometimes get a teensy bit of a God-complex about your story. You know every tiny detail of every word, thought, and interaction every one of your characters will have from beginning to end.
And then you start to write.
And it allllll falls apart.
I was telling a friend of mine that I am going to do Nanowrimo and convincing her to do it with me, and as we were talking about it I gave her the synopsis of my plot, using your average filler "blah-blah-blah" for the parts i wasn't entirely clear on. When she teased me about it I pronounced my wording epic, and added that I didn't know yet whether the end of the book I've chosen to write is going to be poignant and haunting or sweet and charming. This is what she said:
"I guess it might be one of those instances where you won't know until the end. Let the story speak to you.
And if it says "blah-blah-blah" hold out for something a bit more profound. Because no, it is not epic."

Minnesota Wish List

Today I am going to give myself a giant imaginary gift all about my roots:
Good old MN!!
The things I would put inside would be:

Minnesota gear - comfy sweatshirt, cozy sweatpants, probably a knit hat and maybe some mittens
Coffee: the goodness of Caribou! and probably  a giftcard so the next time I'm home I can go there with my sisters.
Some kind of MN history book - because I grew up on MN history thanks to my dad, and I kind of miss it sometimes.
Minnesota postcards
Cheesy little touristy things like the license plate name tags and homemade soaps and stuff
A snowglobe with Minnesota in it, or pine trees or some such nonsense
Something totally kitschy like a mini Paul Bunyan
A Twins shirt - because I never cared about them, but now that I am in enemy territory I care just on principle.
A Target giftcard, because there's no Target for miles and miles and miles here.
A couple hotdish recipes - or preferably the hotdish itself.
The movie New in Town - for a touch of home...as others see it, since I never knew a single person who had "The Accent".
Posters for my wall - the awesome ones the history center had of split rock lighthouse and downtown areas in primary colors.
And of course, notes from all my lovelies at home.

If you were going to create a package from your favorite place, one you've been to, are in now, or want to go someday, what would you put inside?

Featuring...

First of all, true admission: It took me awhile to spell featuring correctly. I'd like to blame this on the 11:30 time, but truth is I just fail at certain words.
Second, I got a twitter: invincibleblogj. Mostly, I got it so I could get Pinterest!! But, if you happen to be a fan of Twitter and want to tell me how it works or want me to follow you or whatever it is one does on there, let me know.
And finally, most importantly:
the Feature.
One of my best friends, Kiah Tomatz, is a very talented woman. She does great design work (you can find her here), but she also is a very lovely musician.

Fun facts about Kiah:
1)I still have the notebooks we passed notes in in highschool: mainly they consist of her saying "write me back!" and me saying "Leave me alone I'm reading my book!"
2) Kiah is the most flexible person I know - seriously! the world's highest Russians
3) The very first time I ever used an IM-like-program was on a computer at her house. She was tech savvy, cool, and in the know, and me, well, I wrote a 1,000 word novel instead of a short and sweet line of text. in fact,
4) She's pretty awesome. Beautiful, talented and accomplished - so much so that I don't know why she still hangs out with me, my books, and my I Love Lucy obsession.

So, in honor of the weekend and finding good things to enjoy, I am showcasing some of her videos here and I encourage you to explore more and be delighted.

Happy weekend friends!

Making the world

I am still sick. I have half a voice. I went to a fabulous training on POA/guardianship this afternoon. I had orange chicken and white rice for lunch. My lungs feel like bricks. I wish I had cable so I could watch the Psych premiere.
The sun is setting. My favorite candle is burning on the table. There is no greater joy than learning the one thing that suddenly makes an answer spark out at you.
I am making my world more beautiful by the eyes with which I choose to see it.

Discovery

Today my words won't be enough.
Remember yesterday? The questions about the Dream?
I got just the teensiest bit of an answer today.

October 11 - After God's Silence - what?

Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers. Think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything analogous to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvelous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone."He did not, and today you find He gave you the bread of life. A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." His silence is the proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.

Oswald Chambers

live the dream

What do your dreams look like?
Dreams are a hard thing to nail down.
So many things are impossible, no matter how much people tell you to just follow them, some things really are impractical, irresponsible, or some other combination of unrealities.

I know my dream is to serve people. I know my passion is being with other people and meeting needs.
My dream used to be going overseas to work, to dive into those big situations.
But what happens when your dreams and your heart don't line up?
My dreams are big.
My heart belongs to home.

I want to someday climb to the top of the Eiffel tower and wrap my arms around someone I love and dream that we own the world together.

I want to take words, my words, and reach inside of someone and reveal something they never saw before.
I want to bring a marvel.

I love books.
I love fall and sunshine and playing the piano and coffee and reading and laughing and making other people happy.
I love the thing I've had just a few times in my life: the moment when you dive in and believe so deeply in what you are doing that everything else is just that something extra. The times when life takes on a glow, when you can pour your heart out and still find it full.

Here's what I know.
Somehow, somewhere in this world, there is a way to combine the things I love:

being sunshine
Books
The elderly
joy
passion
playing piano
words
hope
companionship
meeting physical needs
kids
meeting new people
variety
making people feel welcome
restoration
the great cause


Together, into some kind of perfect God-given whole.
But how do I find it?

 

I've always taken this verse to mean that, if I let Him, He will clear away all the many little distractions that come along: that in the end, the path He takes me on will be the perfect one, and He alone will show me the true desires He placed deep inside my heart.